Reminders and last resorts...

So here I sit. Well, squat.

Stomach pains? Check.

Uncontrollable bowels? Check.

No toilet paper? Check.

Yep. I'm back in China. A little panicked that I may have a heat stroke at any moment in this sweltering mall bathroom stall, I remind myself I've done this all before. Am I crying? No. That's my eyelid sweat blurring my vision. I didn't even know my eyelids could sweat.

Traveling equals creativity. What do I have in my mini backpack I could function as toilet paper? Which item would be most palatable for my ass? And where can I buy tissues when I finally escape this hot ass bathroom? How could I have forgotten this aspect of traveling and left myself so unprepared?

Ah, an article by a Jonathan Swift in a magazine I swiped from our hostel will have to do. I wonder how he would feel if he knew that instead of reading his article, a foreigner somewhere in a hot mall bathroom in Shanghai is wiping her ass with it.

Walking out of the bathroom, I feel lighter, violated and one potentially interesting article shorter. Thank you Jonathan Swift, you really helped me in a bind :)

China: part deux

Walking up the stairs from the subway, I am hit with the smell of something spicy. It’s a foreign smell but is all too familiar. The harsh aroma of Chinese spices and stir fried something or another slaps me in the face. Stinky tofu and roasting nuts vendors align the streets. Obnoxious entrepreneurs hastily walked up to me throwing there goods in my face trying to get me to purchase. Am I back so soon? Or did I just never leave? Was my 7 month sabbatical back home to the states a dream that I am just now waking up from? I will never know for sure. I lost my consciousness somewhere on the plane. That 11-hour flight seemed to drag longer than they usually do. I swear with every hour that ticked by, I lost an hour of my life. When I waddled off the plane (and I do mean waddle, my legs swell up like a fat infants’) and cart my 100 plus pounds of luggage, I realize time stopped when I left. I live two alternating lives. Here, on this side of the world, I am one person. A person that loosens her grip on control, lets things happen. No plan, no worries. But the other girl, the one that lives in the US time zone…She’s scared. She tries to hold on tightly to her ever-slipping grip on control. She panics, worries. Tries to amount to unrealistic expectations but fails.

As I lay awake here in my wooden bunk (top bed!) I grow excited to see what this foreign (but familiar) land may offer me. Its 4 am, is Starbucks open yet??

More on this past year...But mostly just about my Grams

Well, after eating every thing in my American sight, I certainly put back on any weight I lost plus some. I'm at an all time high of just over 150 L-Bs! AND I go to the gym (also a first) almost every day! What the F?? I've cut back drinking and started eating better but for some strange strange reason, its much easier to put on the weight than to lose it! But I digress...

Shortly after arriving back home, we transported my Grams up to Gainesville to stay at my mom's. While I had an apartment elsewhere with Chris and my roommate, Stefy, I spent most to all of my time at my mamma's taking care of Grandma. She and I, although suffered our differences, were always extremely close! The only person to have read every page of this blog and beg for more, I'm devastated to say I have lost some viewership. She passed into Heaven or the great who knows where a little over two months ago. We managed to care for her for the very last four months of her life. It was an honor for me. While some days were worse than the others and could be very taxing, I often reminded myself of everything she did for me. Cooking and cutting her lunch, helping her bathe and go to the bathroom, setting her up to brush her teeth, lying with her and comforting her when she felt scared or alone; it's all so bittersweet. I'm so thankful I was able to return only some of what she ever did for me.

When she passed, it didn't hit me for days later. In fact, the two weeks while she rapidly declined, my presents at the house also declined. One, I was needed a lot less with the increased family in attendance and two, it was just to tragic! The day after she died, I was fine...until I went back to my mom's to help pack up her things and clean. Sitting in her room, I became despondent. Helping the Hospice equipment guy clumsily load her deathbed into the back of his rapist van, brought reality crashing on top of me, trapping me between it and the ground until I felt claustrophobic. I finally found an out and left, oh yeah, I had to work.

The next day, my aunt and cousins asked me to help with her obit. Regardless of my reluctance to assistance with such a strange request (I will go into the absurdity of obituaries later), I received an email and was asked to edit and or add. I read, approved and then cried. Not much of a crier, I didn't stop crying for several hours later. I took this opportunity of feelings to write her eulogy (which per her request over a year ago, I write and read at her funeral. Morbid, I know, but what an an honor!) And through the whole process, just when I felt I couldn't feel or cry anymore, Norah Jones would bust out on Pandora and then I would start over. But several pages and hundreds of words later, I had some editing to do. Finally, the eve of her funeral, her eulogy was complete! I wish she could have heard it, cause as my number one fan, she would have loved it!

Okay, more on this later...I gotta ride. Its Taco Tuesday.

Thinking about the idea that the main (if only) person that read this was my Grandma, makes me wonder why I'm writing this. Is there internet in Heaven?

In this last year...

Well, the rumors are true...I'm a slacker. Its been just over a year since I have submitted my last blog. And a lot has happened. After my last submission, I boarded the next plane to Seoul, Republic of Korea where I was greeted by strangers, American, but strange. Well, first I was greeted by Koreans but an hour long bus ride and panicked moments of searching for a phone, I met my couchsurfing hosts. They were awesome! They took me to have my first Korean meal in months and my first REALLY Korean korean meal! It was fabulous! Then I celebrated my first Canada day which I have to admit was crazy, son! Turned out, my hosts party as much as I do! I lost my beloved havainas by taking them off to get on a table to dance...go figure. However, I managed to find a different pair..same size! I guess the girl that swiped mine also had great taste. The next day, I suffered through a pretty bad hangover while my host went to teach. Later, that night I was met by my best friend, Julia and Tina!! Let me just say, that weekend was epic! Perhaps, at a later date, I will tell my travel stories in detail, but for now...I only give highlights. Left Korea two months later to meet Chris in China. Twas awesome!

I came home Christmas Eve, spent the night with my best friend, Erica, in Orlando. Daddy and Haley picked me up the next day and we went to Daytona. Tragically, my Nana died three days later. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to see her one last time and tell her I love her and goodbye. I spent the last days of her life with her. The morning she died, I woke up just moments before she took her last breath. I woke up my dad and said, "Dad, its time..." We, plus my aunt, held her hands and comforted her as she headed toward the light or whatever it is we see when we die.

After we got everything taken care of there, we went to my other grandma's. She greeted me in tears and was sooo happy I was home! I was so happy to see her as well. Especially since her health was declining...ta de shenti bu hao....okay, I have to run...to be continued! I promise!

We're all living in Amerika...

So I don't know any other way to begin writing other than ...Wow.
I am completely dumbfounded.

Sitting three floors away from the Earth in my friend's adorable one bedroom, I listen to the Istanbul noise. I hear people below talking, Turkish music in the distance, and a man yelling something foreign to me. The breeze is brilliant and the sun shining. All these things I would typically enjoy, I cannot find peace. I am haunted by last night's conversations. My Turkish friends confronted me with something I wasn't expecting on this trip. And why I was so surprised, I am unsure. I knew the rest of the world hated America. We learn that in school, through the news and through casual political discussions. So why was I so surprised? I guess to hear it first hand, in your presence, directly from someone's lips can change everything.
"I hate America."
"Surely you don't hate America. You mean their government..."
Well, he didn't hate American people it turned out. But everything else...especially baseball.
I tried to explain to him that I didn't hate Cuba, but I hated Castro, that he should reword his statement. But he stood firm. He hated America. This wasn't the view of one individual, but all participants in the conversation. The heated discussion continued for over an hour. Michael Moore was the hot topic. Having never seen his documentaries, I was a little caught off guard. I tried to defend my point by saying Michael Moore is biased and extremely leftist. Their entire argument was propelled by Moore's theories. I was so frustrated trying to defend my home against three people and Michael Moore. I don't understand how someone can make such accusations about their own country. Apparently in one of his films, he claims 911 was a lie. A lie in the sense, and this is what I came to understand, that it was created by our government. Does he not realize the mindset he is shaping for the rest of the world? When I heard this being explained to me, it broke my heart. I tried to illustrate to my friends just how devastating and terrifying this day was for us, but simply could not put it into words they would understand.

I became so heart sick I had to end the conversation. Very firmly I said "I don't want to talk about this anymore!!" My friend said he would burn a copy of Moore's film for me and I said No...I don't ever want to watch it. As if I didn't take enough American bashing for one day, we went on to watch a Rammstein video appropriately named "America"
I learned this video is banned in Turkey. There is a brief scene where a Muslim man removes his shoes and steps onto a carpet. You watch him traditionally kneel to pray and find out he is praying to petrol. This video disturbed me too. Especially where the band members (dressed as astronauts) hold hands and dance around the American flag. I am going to try to add the video to this post but I'm not sure if it will carry over...but you can certainly Youtube it.

Its shocking the feeling... when your whole world gets turned upside down. I recommend it once in one's life. To be truly mind fucked.

I had never felt more homesick than I did last night. I miss baseball and hotdogs (and pork!) and American football. I miss reality shows and fast food, I miss capitalism and air condition.
I'm starting to feel sad I will be spending my Independence day in South Korea. But I cannot be weak now. I'm only two months in and have a while to go. Perhaps I can just pretend I am at Epcot.

oh well, I love you America and see you soon!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P7Zd-x2QXw

Istanbul

As it nears the end of my time in Turkey, I have found myself back in Istanbul. The life of Turkey, they call it "the place where two continents meet!" Its a very exciting and busy city. Much like New York, I often forget I'm in another country, although I have been now for over two months. Sometimes walking down the streets in Taksim, I look up and feel America again. Of course that is until a woman completely covered in traditional Muslim garb tries to sell me tissues for a lira, pleading with me in Turkish. Ok I remember now...I am not back home but clear across the world.

When walking through Taksim, one must leave the ipod at home. Not only because it will probably be swiped from your hand but because you will miss all the sounds of Istanbul. A man playing some kind of turkish clarinet, a woman singing opera to her accordian accompaniment, and a man selling strange bird callers you put in your mouth. None of the senses get left out when walking down Istikla. a busy shopping street in Taksim. The various Doner shops entice their customers with their steaming stake of beef or chicken. The smell of roasted wall nuts from a nearby stand tickles my nose and makes me hold my breath. I don't really care for that aroma cause it smells like burnt popcorn.

Occasionally there are narrow passages amongst the tall buildings featuring miniature bazaars. Sometimes these areas go deep and down into the buildings and are always full of people. The walls laden with a rainbow of silk and cotton scarves, tables covered with silver and various stones and gems all molded into jewelery. My eyes are busy and my hands are curious. I must touch everything forgetting that the moment you touch something, the shop's proprietor is invited to harrass you to purchase something. If not careful, you may find yourself covered in rings and bracelets the owner thinks will suit you. Try not to linger, never look twice and definately don't touch if you do not what to be bothered.

Istanbul is delightfully historic but curiously modern. You can have coffee at Starbucks blocks away from the Hagia Sofia, a former basilica completed in 537 CE. Walking through the antique section of the bazaar amongst old trinkets and knick knacks, you can hear Black Eyed peas being played in the distance.

I have not yet been to any of the historic sites but anticipate doing so this week. We will see what the city offers for me tomorrow...but for now, lets drink!

Güle Güle Izmir !!

I see the clouds start to crawl off the sea and over Izmir. From my mountain, I can see everything before it happens. Then I hear the occasional drop of rain hit my window. First like a leaky fawcett, the drops are more frequent and start to carry rhythm. Then all of the sudden the levees in the sky break, and the water is released. Loud rolling thunder follows each flash of light that comes through my window and alights the entire room. Why aren't I scared right now? I wonder to myself. Is it because I know this weather will give us poor Izmirians solace from the heat? Or perhaps I have too much on my mind to worry about silly fears. Maybe I have finally grown up...I do sleep with all the lights off now, and without the tv on. I no longer keep the knife and flashlight next to my bed. I have mastered the art of living alone. Just in time to move on. Today is the day I say goodbye to the place that has been my home for the past two months. I will leave all the really great people I have met here, but know I will keep in touch. My Turkish friends have really made this quest easy, but now its hard. I must say goodbye and goodbyes are never easy. However, there is light at the end of this tunnel. I will be taking my adventures even further East. First, I will be spending a week in busy Istanbul, couch surfing and sight seeing. Then I will arrive in Seoul, South Korea on July 1st. I know, I know. The challenge has been revised. I never got a job in Turkey but managed to survive. I picked up key phrases and vow to learn Turkish fully. When I return next year, I anticipate to be able to communicate thoroughly, seeking English speakers less.
Well, this is it...I have to finish fitting too much stuff in a small space. Goodbye Izmir! You've been good to me