Drowning

As I rapidly approach 30, I see my dreams gradually diminish into shadows, equally as fast. I am kicking hard to stay afloat but am only sinking further and further into cold darkness. It feels like  someone has me by the ankles and is pulling me deeper. I can no longer hold my breath! I open my mouth as if to gasp for air only to get a mouth full of water. I gasp again. The icy water has made its way down my throat and into my lungs. If only I had gills to separate the water and oxygen.
10 years ago, if you asked me "Where do you see yourself at 30?" I would have said a prominent editor in New York, married, perhaps with children...living the dream.
5 years ago, "Where do you see yourself at 30?" Just finished my first novel, married, some big city, probably still New York, no kids, but a booming career.
Now ask me. Gainesville, maybe at UF maybe not. Working at Outback, hopefully not.
Granted I have some really cool experiences, and I love everything I've done. I wouldn't change a thing. But if you want to know why I'm drowning....
Some days my own pressure suffocates me, I struggle to loosen its white-knuckled grip from my neck and try to think of something else. Today I slipped under a thick layer of ice and fought the resistance to knock on the ice to get out or get someone's attention. No one heard me and the pulling began. This time no surface in sight. Just ice and water and darkness.

I've been 29 for 2 months now. Of my 3 before 30 goals, I've completed one and a half and a tenth.
Teach in another country. Check!
Finish school (4 years). Half done. 2 years to go.
Write the next great American novel. Started, far from finished.

So in an effort to find some peace of mind and perhaps swim to the surface, I've revised these goals.
Finish school before I turn 32.
Finish the next great American novel before 35.

And if I never get married, I must not become a crazy, cat lady (redundant?) The good news, I hate cats!

Okay, enough of this pity party! Thanks for listening :)

Back on that China grind

Readers, however few but awesome you are,

I do apologize for my inability to stay focused and dedicated. As my only Chinese New Year resolution, I promise to write more. And it's not that I lack dedication, but that I lack inspiration. It's not even a case of severe writer's block, but my mood and just my being as of late. Maybe even the weather. Oh well, time to stop dwelling on what is or was and focus on what will be....

    So people, here I am again, back in the Middle Kingdom. Despite its name, this place is not overrun by hobbits and elves but by tuk-tuks and food stands of stinky tofu. Yes, I am back in China, the middle kingdom, a place that has buildings older than my country. And while I am in a different city, it seems to mirror all the other Chinese cities. Nothing about any particular city really stands out to me. No real special character, only different sights and sometimes culinary specialities. The people are the same, the sounds in the street are the same and even the food is generally the same. Maybe because America is so vastly different that I expect something new from every Chinese city I go. Well, I guess that isn't entirely so. This city lacks foreigners so I am gawked at a lot more than usual. The last city we lived in last year had plenty of Lao wai (foreigners) so we weren't really anything too special there but here! I see so few and the ones I do see are usually much older than myself and my entourage. Mostly businessman and future investors, not so many teachers, which is great for me because it increases my worth :) Additionally, this go-round we have multiplied as Floridians. Apartment dwellers of E1905 consist of myself, Chris, Bradley, Caitlyn, and Mike. So when people see our Anglo-modsquad marching down the street decked out in orange and blue, I think we may be a little frightening. I imagine the people that live in our complex saying, "there goes the neighborhood..."

My goal is to blog atleast once a week but to write everyday, whether it be for my novel (that I WILL finish!) or just for myself. Atleast one hour of uninterrupted, writing me-time daily is required both for my sanity and to sharpen my skills. So Readers, thank you for your attention and dedication, I promise to work on mine. Interesting stuff to come!

Here is a map of China...
The blue circle is where I live now. Black circles are where I have lived before and the green circles are  the bigger cities I've been to. Still have lots to cover!

Looking through saved and incomplete drafts...

From sometime in January 2012...


Breakthrough. Robert has begun to speak English! Its amazing. I'm actually getting through to him. He hasn't been ignoring me this whole time. Just because he isn't mindlessly repeating me like many other students or interacting with me, he's still listening. Absorbing in silence. Is he onto something? Has he discovered a new technique to learning a new language. When we first started our 3 times a week sessions, I thought for sure he was autistic. When we weren't sword fighting or blowing each up with imaginary guns, he quietly played with blocks and listened to me talk.

Yesterday, he really opened up. We've been reading a book he really likes about robots. One picture in the book is of a mouse standing on a stool about to fall off. Robert pointed to it and said "be careful," a phrase I often say to him when he's doing something that makes me nervous.

I mean, why would this 4 year old child rather study than play? Why would he want to talk to this strange girl that shows up (usually late) to his house every other evening and asks him stupid questions?

Preparing for Reverse Culture Shock

Having traveled abroad previously has made this recent excursion "easier" than before. Perhaps knowing what to expect and the luxury of having a kitchen, has made this trip seem almost less like traveling and more like taking a step away from US life and into my alternate life that is China. What I call easier, apparently is defined by "reverse culture shock." I certainly experienced these symptoms last time I went home, and believe it is a more painful process than actual culture shock. Of course, being home with my family and friends is really nice and its great to catch up on all the lost time but after the initial stun of being home and hearing stories, you face a lull. Depression sets in, rebuilding your life is difficult, picking up is impossible; one must start from scratch. Last time I went home, I was also faced with several heavy situations, so I partly blame that and hope this time will be different. Also, its always a little embarrassing when you randomly speak Chinese to a sales clerk or waitress. Screaming "Fuyuan!" at the top of your lungs and waving your arm incessantly at your server, is not how you get your check, just dirty looks. Finding a job that will hire a 28 year old that has been out of work for 8 months is also a challenge. But I do not blog to gain sympathy, just to share. Preparing for these symptoms of depression; feelings of "what am I doing with my life" and the inevitable constipation (American food is so bonding!), I brace myself and go into American borders less blinded than before and more with the knowledge that this will happen and I'm not just a singled out mess. I go home with hope and the mind set of new beginnings. Although, I also think back to when I went home last time and remember how happy my grandma's were to see me. Nana in her hospice bed and slipping into delirium, remembered I told her I'd be home soon. And Grandma was so happy to me she cried! I will miss wandering home and into their arms, but I still have my mommy and my daddy! That will also probably cry upon my return. And of course Joey and Haley, who won't cry but will take me out drinking instead! Despite the dreaded reverse culture shock and all the things it brings, I can't wait to be with my family again, and of course, Millie!!

Teaching Abroad

       Children. In all their nose-picking and tear-filled screaming, I have found a strange love for them. Monsters. They can change my, "what is wrong with these strangely small people," to "how are you so freaking cute?" Daily, I ask myself, "Self, why are you a teacher? Why do you surround yourself with these ignorant midgets?" And then little Peter, Grace, or even Dolphin (yes, that is his English name) remind me.

"No, No, No. No touching!" Dolphin says to me while pointing to the scissors on my desk. Yes, very good. Now, if I can only get him to express his own thoughts in English and not just repeat me like a parrot. But he's come along way since the first week of school, when everyday was characterized by screaming tears and throwing up his morning milk. Dolphin has perhaps become my favorite student.
When he points to something and says, "This is blue." Something alights inside me and I feel a sense of worth as a teacher. I am somehow shaping these beings into English speaking, well-mannered, and color naming people. And this is why I teach. At the end of my day (yes, noon. Sorry 9-5ers), when I'm tucking these little Chinese angels into their naptime beds, I feel this strange feeling I've never felt before. And the only word I can think to describe it is maternal. I still don't want children, but don't feel completely freaked out by the idea. I enjoy wiping their snot ridden faces and even reminding them to wash their hands. I like shoveling food into their mouths and especially love tucking them in like a bug in a rug and wishing them sweet dreams before they doze off. But at the end of the day, I still get to come home to my child-free apartment where the only person I'm responsible for is myself. But when I took my vacation, I still find myself wondering about them. Is my fill-in teacher taking care of them like I do? Is she wiping away their tears and then doing something silly to make them smile? Is she helping them eat, or just yelling at them for eating slowly like their Chinese teacher? Is she tucking them before naptime or just pointing them to their bed and telling them to "Lie down!" And most importantly, is she getting as grossed out as I do when they bring her boogers?
                              Nonetheless, being a teacher has changed me.

Bangkok: City of life

        
                    A bustling megalopolis, Thailand's capital is not only tourist driven and overrun by foreigners, but holds within its city limits something so culturally charming. The streets are polluted with vendors and tuk-tuk drivers demanding your business, and every other small shop features some Middle Eastern merchant insisting you buy a suit. But if you can see past these sometimes annoying small business owners, you find yourself lost in what you may only see in movies. Quintessential alleys with small, sit outside, mama's cooking, cafes with lovely gardens, beautiful archways leading to centuries old temples and more modern places of worship. The less frequently you hear, "Hello, taxi!" or "Where are you going?" the deeper you are getting into Thailand. 

  I've found the only way to truly find amazing things, is to get lost. Leave the map at home (or in our case, leave it on the counter by mistake at a string shop; my bad). But having gotten remarkably lost and walking in no particular direction for several hours, we stumbled upon something amazing and sentimental. Chris' father's "go-to" jewelry shop. The place he bought all of his wife's jewelry. The place he probably stood on the same day as we, several years prior. Unfortunately, the shop was closed due to the impending floods, but nonetheless, we stood on the stoop and admired the shop's significance.

Bangkok has many sights and "must sees" to offer but walking amongst the locals and eating the freakishly delicious food is really all you "must do!" Unlike China, every food vendor smelled remarkable and the dishes were breathtaking. No exaggeration! I literally held my breath so that I could continue to eat as much and as fast as I could, like I just got out of jail or someone would snatch my dish away at any minute. But read more about the food in my food blog. Link there --->

Things traveling has taught me...

How to take a city bus.
How to take a long distance bus.
How to sufficiently travel with no real plan.
To get lost and realize that you are going to end up exactly where you are meant to be.
How to learn (and butcher) new languages.
Toleration.
How to cross boarders.
How to be a teacher.
That strangers offer the best insight.
That people do different things and its okay.
Being resourceful is one of my best attributes.
Sometimes reading Chinese is easier than speaking it.
My body can tolerate a lot more than I give it credit for.
The 5 second rule is true.
That air drying your clothes not only is better for the environment but is good for your clothes too.
Things about refrigeration and cleanliness when handling food isn't as necessary as we're told.
That Starbucks is awesome in every country.
Sometimes where you sleep won't be the cleanest (or the softest!!)
Not to drink water from the shower.
Eggs don't have to be refrigerated.
No matter how far away I am, I am always part of my family.
That being so far away from my family sometimes makes me feel like something has been ripped out of my body.
Getting lost is essential.
Trying new food (even food you're pretty confident you won't like).
How to bring a jasmine plant back to life after killing it.
How to pee squatting without always getting pee on your feet.
How to talk yourself out of panic attacks (and just get them less).
Independence.
One should never leave the house without a pen and paper.
That I can be happy in any situation I find myself in.